Welcome to Night Vale's 8/1 Horoscopes

  • Leo: 'Need a penny? Take a penny. Have a penny? Take another penny. Pennies are worthless, but, go ahead, and take them all. Build a great fortune only to have it's great, copper weight crush your lifeless, pauper body.'
  • Virgo: 'Don't shoot the messenger, Virgo. It's noisy, and will alert others of your crime. Lure the messenger inside. Make sure no one saw him come in. Choose something quieter than a gun. Perhaps suffocation, or an accidental fall. Really plan these things out. Stop being so trigger happy, Virgo!'
  • Libra: 'Do you believe in ghosts? You don't? Well, won't you be surprised when you wake up in the middle of the night tonight! Scream loud enough so the neighbors can hear you.'
  • Scorpio: 'You are respected by your peers. You are a great thinker and leader. You-' Wait, what is this? This is definitely not the right reading for a Scorpio; it must be a typo. I bet the stars meant to say, 'You should hear what they're saying about you. Very funny things, Scorpio. They're saying very funny things at your expense, you jerk.' Yep, that's definitely what the stars meant to say.
  • Sagittarius: 'The best revenge is living well. The second best is tasteless, slow-acting poison. Maybe it's more of a tie. Either way, you got wronged, and you need to set things right, Sagittarius.'
  • Capricorn: ''Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Which is better than to have never loved at all, but somehow also lost a love, thus creating a paradox. Paradoxes are bad, Capricorn. Be careful, or logic will destroy you.'
  • Aquarius: 'Your boyfriend is trapped in an alternate desert dimension. It is difficult to say when he will return. Perhaps take up drinking while crying in a quiet room.' Wow, that's a very specific and painful horoscope. Thanks for nothing, stars.
  • Pisces: 'A train leaves a station traveling west at 40 miles per hour. Another train leaves a station traveling east at 60 miles per hour. These two trains left on different days, in different years, in different countries. How long until the passengers acknowledge their own impermanence?'
  • Aries: 'I think they saw you, Aries. Hold still. They cannot see you if you do not move. Shhh! Don't move, don't move, DON'T-- Nope, they saw you. So long, Aries.'
  • Taurus: 'Someone misses you a lot, Taurus, and even though you have nothing but endless time, trapped out in a nightmarish desert hellscape, you have a hard time making a phone call longer than 10 minutes. Maybe call a bit more than you do, Taurus.' Yep, that's just some astrological advice from the stars.
  • Gemini: 'You know those eight spiders a year you eat in your sleep? Well, they add up. They are all organizing a pretty dramatic escape. Very soon, Gemini, very soon!'
  • Cancer: 'The ocean is vast, you convince yourself, walking alone between the trees. The sky is endless, you mutter repeatedly, trying to finally lull yourself to sleep. Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, you contemplate, despite not understanding the first part of the statement. "What's on the Food Network tonight?" you say aloud to a stranger you have known for years.'
Aquarius: Your boyfriend is trapped in an alternate desert dimension. it is difficult to say when he will return. Perhaps take up drinking while crying in a quiet room. Wow, that’s a very specific and painful horoscope. Thanks for nothing, stars.

Cecil breaking everyone’s hearts again  (via genuinedeadpool)

sixpenceee:

I just witnessed this short film called ZERO
About a little guy who is ridiculed by society for an aspect he can’t control (SOUND FAMILIAR?) 
Never the less, he’s optimistic and helps those in need. 
The ending is absolutely adorable. What do you get when you add two zero’s together?
Just watch it

sixpenceee:

I just witnessed this short film called ZERO

About a little guy who is ridiculed by society for an aspect he can’t control (SOUND FAMILIAR?) 

Never the less, he’s optimistic and helps those in need. 

The ending is absolutely adorable. What do you get when you add two zero’s together?

Just watch it

  • Carlos: I know two things.
  • Carlos: I love you.
  • Cecil: I love you too.
  • Cecil: What's the other thing?
  • Carlos: You just said it.
  • Fandom: *sudden uncontrollable sobbing*
capricornia-nerviosa:

shercockandmycrotch:

survivingreichenbach:

shercocklocked:

theartofhiddleston:

And now Chris Evans with the weather. Chris?

Thank you, Chris. In other news… Odin has once again fallen into Odinsleep and the princes are, once again, throwing one of the wildest parties this side of the Nine Realms… The damage expenses are expected to be in the millions of Jotuns…

Now we’ll turn over to Jeremy Renner with Sports. Are you having fun out there, Jeremy?

Oh… okay then, thanks Jeremy for that in-depth response.

And now Robert Downey Jr with the stock report.


And now to conclude with OdinIt’s a beautiful day and Loki’s still adopted 

always reblog

capricornia-nerviosa:

shercockandmycrotch:

survivingreichenbach:

shercocklocked:

theartofhiddleston:

And now Chris Evans with the weather. Chris?

image

Thank you, Chris. In other news… Odin has once again fallen into Odinsleep and the princes are, once again, throwing one of the wildest parties this side of the Nine Realms… The damage expenses are expected to be in the millions of Jotuns…

Now we’ll turn over to Jeremy Renner with Sports. Are you having fun out there, Jeremy?

image

Oh… okay then, thanks Jeremy for that in-depth response.

And now Robert Downey Jr with the stock report.

image

And now to conclude with Odin
image
It’s a beautiful day and Loki’s still adopted 

always reblog

qwopisinthemailbox:

pillowbedhead:

sailormoonlife:

So…everyone knows anime body proportions are idealized and kind of insane.  But then I find this woman online. This amazing human with HER ANIME LEGS! SUPER LONG SKINNY ANIME LEGS! WHAT?! HOW??   
So I even found a picture of venus online to compare.  And like, now I’m going to take my stubby short legs over there to that sad corner. 

holy shit her legs are practically canon

hER LEGS ARE PEFECT AND HER COSTUME IS SO WELL MADE I WISH TO HUG YOU LADY

qwopisinthemailbox:

pillowbedhead:

sailormoonlife:

So…everyone knows anime body proportions are idealized and kind of insane.  But then I find this woman online. This amazing human with HER ANIME LEGS! SUPER LONG SKINNY ANIME LEGS! WHAT?! HOW??   

So I even found a picture of venus online to compare.  And like, now I’m going to take my stubby short legs over there to that sad corner. 

holy shit her legs are practically canon

hER LEGS ARE PEFECT AND HER COSTUME IS SO WELL MADE I WISH TO HUG YOU LADY